Beautiful Winter

As Mother Nature is taking her course here in the mountains, the temperatures are beginning to drop, the leaves are changing their colors, and everything around us is making its changes for the winter. With the snow already appearing on the peaks of the mountains, the signs of winter are very clear. The deer are starting to come down the mountain sides for the winter and starting to gather in the lot in the back of the house again. What a peaceful site!

As anyone knows, winter brings some cold temperatures, and in the mountains – a lot of snow! It is very beautiful here in the winter time, and I have the best seat in the house! As the temperatures are dropping, I am starting to settle into my ‘winter nest’.  They say it’s going to be a rough winter this year. Last winter there were drops of 7 and 8 inches of snow at a time, temperatures of -18, and at one point, 19 inches of snow on the ground in our back yard. As this was only our first winter here, my very first winter in the mountains, I am not real sure what to expect as far as what a rough winter is going to entail, but I can just imagine!

Last winter was really tough on my body, but I made the best of it as good as I possibly could. With my right side flaring up and putting me in bed sometimes twice a month, it was difficult to enjoy, but I learned to appreciate what I was given. Early in the winter, we decided to go skiing at one of the local ski resorts, which was really a lot of fun. While Grace and I were spending our time on the Bunny Slope learning how to fall (LOL), Brad and Bradley were riding the ski lift to the mountain tops and skiing down with ease. It was a really awesome experience! As it was my first time ever doing this, it only took me about an hour and a half to realize that it would be my last. My legs were hurting shortly after we started, by the time I finally gave up, I was hurting so bad that I knew if I didn’t stop, I probably wouldn’t be getting back up from the next fall. By the time I had stopped, I could barely walk, much less try to ski anymore. The rest of the day was spent at the lodge watching Brad and Bradley come down the mountain, clowning around, falling, and having fun. It was quite the site to see! When all was said and done, I ended up on the couch for 3 days and could barely move, much less walk. This is one of those experiences that I could say, “I tried it, I loved it, but I will never be able to handle it.” Chalk one up for effort!

Later in the season, we all decided it would be fun to go rent snowmobiles and go play in the mountains! Another awesome experience! I got the pleasure of the luxury snowmobile which had two seats on it, so Grace could ride with me. Riding through the trails, climbing the hills, everyone getting stuck and having to dig and push their way out of the ruts, it was truly an experience! To ride to the top of the mountains and look out at the scenery was an experience like I have never had, and an experience that I will never forget! Unfortunately, it was an experience that I will never again be able to enjoy like that. It took too much toll on my body, and again put me down for 2 days. The memories will remain with me forever though. It was so beautiful being at the top, shutting the motor off, and hearing nothing but silence. It was the most peaceful and relaxing thing I have ever experienced in my life. Looking over Bear Lake and into the mountains beyond was probably the most beautiful site I have ever seen. Had the kids not been there, God only knows what kind of trouble my husband and I would have gotten into up there! It was very romantic and allowed for the soul to feel free! I will never forget it!

I don’t see this winter being as eventful as last, but I can say that I will be here enjoying the simpler things that this place has to offer. I won’t be treading off into the mountains or into the woods to explore, but that’s ok. Hibernating for the winter seems like a less painful option, especially considering that even though temperatures are not freezing yet, I am already feeling the effects of the coming weather. People wonder how I can sit here in the house for days on end, but it’s really not that difficult, especially when there is not much choice in the matter. I have found a lot of peace here. Sitting at my kitchen table, I have an awesome view of the rest of the mountain that we live on, and I can watch the deer play and mingle in the back yard! Sitting in my chair in the living room, I can see the top of the Temple in town that is lit up so beautifully day in and day out, which is very peaceful and helps me focus on my prayers. No, we are not LDS, but a person does not have to be LDS to appreciate the beauty and the representation of it all. It’s simply a wonderful reminder!  As I sit or lay on my couch looking out the picture windows in the living room, I can look across the top of the valley and into the mountains on the other side. As the snow decides to fall, the mountains become white little by little, from the top to the bottom. Watching the clouds cover the tips and the sun beaming down upon them is an absolutely beautiful site! With as much time as I spend on the couch and not being able to get up for the most part, I have learned where to find my peace. In my mind, I can climb to the top of the mountains, I can explore the woods, I can watch the wildlife, I can do anything simply by allowing my mind to escape as I watch the snow falling! It truly is an amazing distraction from the things that keep me down. It is disappointing to know that I can’t venture off with the rest of my family when it comes to winter activities, but they understand why and do not hold it against me. I enjoy staring off into the silence probably just as much as they enjoy being out there in it!

Although there really is nothing that I can do here in the winter, I have learned how to make the most out of my time. I read a lot, spend a lot of time in front of the fireplace, watch a lot of movies, spend a lot of time with my animals, and spend a lot of time letting my mind run away into the mountains where I would love to be. Anyone who knows me knows that this is not typical of me. I have always been able to work and pull myself through the winters fairly easily. Last winter was not so easy, matter of fact, it was just the beginning of the rest of my life. No more shoveling snow, no more building snowmen or making snow angels, no  more snowball fights, no more winter fun like it used to be. Do I still find peace of mind? I surely try! Living in a place that has been so Blessed and offers just as many Blessings, has helped me start to turn over a new leaf. Learning to take comfort in what I have left so far, has become quite the challenge, but I think as with anything else, time will help me become accustomed to the changes and eventually it will be easier. For now, I find peace and comfort in my surroundings, in the things I can still do for my family, and in my Lord. That should be enough, but it’s still a big change and often times a bigger challenge.

As I am often speaking with my doctors office lately in the attempt at finding some relief (which I can’t seem to do), the newer symptoms are leading to newer tests. They want to do an ultrasound on my neck as there is a new bulge which just keeps growing and causing grief, and there are new symptoms which are entailing new MRI’s, including the portions of my body they have not done yet, which they are also wanting to do once this process is started again. The Dr wants to attempt steroid shots in my neck to see if that will offer up any relief, but the disk at c5-c6 is so bulged that the chance of it working is slim. So, needless to say, surgery options are now being discussed. With the new bulge in my neck, they are not even sure the shot will be an option at this point. So on to more testing we go, hi ho – hi ho – hi ho! I’m not sure that the issue of having a hard time staying in this year will be much of a problem. I don’t really think I am going to be doing much outside of Dr appointments anyway!

So, on to more books to read, more blogs to write, more wood for the fireplace, more time with my doggies, and probably some new movies in my near future, but we’ll see what time brings on! No matter what, I just keep praying that peace, serenity, and acceptance, comes along with it!

*Alone I can do nothing, but with God, all things are possible!*

When do we start?

(Sigh) Today is day officially day 17 of one clingy and nagging headache that will not go away. I have been to the Emergency Room and had their “migraine cocktail”, and was finally able to get some good sleep, but still no relief from the nagging burning, tension and pain. Yes, it’s driving me nuts. I have to say though, it is making me appreciate things I never thought would be so hard to have…….relief would be the number one thing I miss. For the most part, headaches do not seem so hard to get rid of. There are a lot of Migraine Medications out there, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Advil, Aleeve, a good night’s sleep, or a nice long nap. But I haven’t found the first thing to knock this one out, and with no insurance, I surely can’t afford all the prescriptions to do trial and error. I don’t think I even have the patience for all that at this point. This headache and the other issues I am facing, makes me wonder……….

“When do we start to appreciate the simpler things in our lives?”

For most of us, dragging ourselves out of bed in the morning does not seem like a big deal. Getting up and walking to the bathroom on our own seems simply natural. Jumping in the shower and washing ourselves is something we have done all of our lives. To be able to jump on a bicycle and ride it down the road or into town is something we have also done all our lives, so it’s not something that everyone is really grateful to be able to do. It’s just something that we do! Playing with our children or our Grandchildren is always a blessing in many different ways, but are we really eternally grateful for being able to crawl on the floor with them, or to be able to play hide and seek with them, or for that fact, any other games that we play with them on a daily basis? Standing on our feet for hours to cook that awesome meal that our family so richly deserves often times seems grueling, but it’s well worth it when we sit to eat! Cleaning our house sometimes seems like such a chore, but we hurry to get it done and when it’s over, the house looks beautiful and smells so good that it is simply irresistible to sit down and enjoy it for the rest of the day. Driving ourselves to town to go to the grocery store, gas station, or the bank sometimes feels like such tiring tasks, but there is always a reason to go. I could go on and on about the simpler things in life that we often take for granted. We often moan, groan and complain about having to do these things when we have a day off because all we want to do is relax, and rightfully so! But let me ask you this….

What if all those simple pleasures were ripped away from you in the blink of an eye? What would you do? How would you feel? Would it then be too late to get out of bed, stretch, and throw your arms high in the air Thanking God for another day of pulling yourself up? Would it then be too late to be grateful for waking in the middle of the night because you have to get up to go to the bathroom, only now you can’t get on your own and you  end up wetting yourself and the bed? Would it then be too late to endure the pain of riding that bicycle down the block or to town with gratefulness to the Lord, simply because you were able to, only now you wish you could? Would it then be too late to be grateful for the kids’ playtime that wears you down, when now you can only watch and wish you could? Would it be too late to not only thank God for the meal on your plate, but to thank Him for allowing you to cook it, when now you can’t even get to the stove top, much less the stuff to cook it with?

Would it be too late to be thankful for the many simple pleasures and activities in your life, painful or not, that we take for granted each and every waking day of our lives?

Would it be too late to be thankful for the many simple pleasures and activities in your life, painful or not, that we take for granted each and every waking day of our lives?

We need to thank God for every single thing in our lives, no matter how big, how small, or how seemingly unimportant, for He is our creator, and He has written our destiny, for each and every one of us. We need to realize that without God in our lives, nothing is possible. *Alone we can do nothing, but with God, all things are possible.* This is a phrase I live with every single day, as should you as well. It does bring comfort to your heart and mind, I promise you that!

There is always a process in which we go through in life, whether it’s an awesome time in life, or the absolute worst time in life. No one can fault us for the way we feel, for the fears that we face. God does not judge us for these feelings, where those of the flesh do, is that not enough to make you Thankful and Grateful for simple things in life that God has allowed us to experience? I think it is!

The road to acceptance is not a short road, much less EASY! There are a lot of changes in which one endures. But as you travel this road, never forget that God is there and understands. Never feel ashamed to show your grief, never feel ashamed to cry, never feel ashamed to let the world know that you are scared, never be ashamed for the life you have lived. Instead, find God in all things and Thank Him for his Work!

I am scared of the changes that my body is going through and putting me through, both physical and mental, I would be lying to you if I said that I wasn’t. I go through changes on a daily basis with the conditions I know that I have, the conditions that are yet to be found, and what my future holds with all of it. I know how badly my body has been torn apart over the years, but I am also grateful for every lesson I have learned through all of it! Do I cry? Yes! Do I have emotional roller coaster rides? YEP! Do I often cry and feel like giving up because I can’t get any relief with any medications? YOU BETCHA! Every single day!

If you are living this life, or love someone who is living this life, then you understand exactly where I am coming from. Rest assured my friend, you are never alone. There are compassionate and understanding individuals in this world who are more than willing to listen to you and to try to comfort you when you need comforting, you only have to reach out to them. NEVER feel like a burden because you are not. What you are going through is very real, just because it is not real for others, does not mean it is not real for you, and that surely does not give them a right to downplay your feelings. God listens and understands every plea, no matter how big or how small, and He does not judge us for our anger or despair.  

So, when will you start being grateful for your life? I have already started and I will never forget to say Thank you to My Lord for allowing me the strength and the courage to continue moving on!

ISAIAH 41:9-41:13

9: “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

10: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

11: ”All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.

12: Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.

13: For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,  Do not fear; I will help you.”

My Life Today

My intent for this blog is to share my story, my fears, and my prayers, in hopes that I can help to inspire others who may be going through some of the same issues which I am facing. I know that for myself, I will find Inspiration from others as well. I have high hopes that this blog will turn into more than just a "blog". I would like to establish a support system for those who seek strength from others who walk, or have walked, a day in the life of pain, fear, emotional roller coaster rides, depression, and everything else which is caused from disabilities of any kind. I encourage you to share your story, whether you are seeking peace and strength, or wanting to offer peace and strength to those whose stories have touched your heart, or who's stories seem all to familiar to you. I encourage you to reach out, tell your story, seek support, seek prayer, seek strength, seek peace, seek whatever it takes to help you through your struggle, and by all means, seek a supportive friend!

I am a 37 year old proud wife and mother! My husband, Brad is 41, my children are Leon(20), Bradley(15),Shaelyn(14), and Grace (8). As you learn more about me, you will better understand why my children, my husband, and my life are all miracles by the Grace of God, and why I feel the importance of doing such a blog!

My husband, our children Bradley and Grace and I moved to an awesome town in Northern Utah in October of 2009. We found a beautiful house, on the side of a beautiful mountain, with a beautiful view across the top of the valley to the beautiful mountain on the other side! (Can't tell I think it's beautiful here, can you?) The snowfalls in the winter are often, and they are often great! During the winter, herds of deer come down the mountain and some often gather in the wooded area in our back yard and peek at us through the chain link fence that seperates them from us! Needless to say, it's the most beautiful and breathtaking thing I have ever seen in my life! I was raised in a small town in Ohio, a "flatlander", so this is very new and exciting for me. I was an over the road truck driver for ten years and have seen some beautiful sites, but none of them can quite compare to what I have surrounding me here!

I have known since I was 9 years old, that life as I knew it, would take a tumble. I never really quite knew when, but I have always hoped to live a full life and to not have to worry about it for many, MANY years to come. I worked hard, I played hard, and I challenged life's obstacles as though I was invisible. I may not have accomplished great things, but the things I have accomplished, have been great!

Two weeks after moving on to our new life, in a new place, a new town, a new state, knowing not one soul here, much less the first doctor, life started making it's change for me. Once again, the right side of my neck bulged out, only this time, it took my right side with it. After a week of massive pain, and a chiropractor who made the conditions worse, I was finally blessed with a doctor who I could afford to go to. Unfortunately, he did not have the answers, only a temporary fix. And it was just that, a temporary fix! I was grateful for the relief and the doctor was grateful for the trust I had put in him. Unfortunately, he knew my conditions were beyond his control as a family physician, the problems laid deeper than he felt comfortable enough to address. The second visit I made to him with the same problem was in less than a month. He then knew there was nothing he could safely do for me, other than to refer me to an orthopedic doctor. Anyone who knows what it is like to not have Health Insurance, understands why I did not visit the ortho doctor right away for this problem. Within yet another month, I was calling him again, crying and begging for his help. He was honest and let me know he did not want to waste my money again, there was nothing he could do for me and he was afraid he would only make for more problems by trying.

The third time put me down and in the emergency room. I was blessed with a compassionate doctor who understood my plea for mercy. He ordered the necessary MRI, then told me it was obvious that I needed to follow up with the Ortho I was originally referred to. At that time, it appeared to my husband and I both that the only answers or treatment I was going to get was to 'bite the bullet' and pay out of pocket to go see this doctor. So that is what we did.

Since that time, I have had to cut corners to get relief and answers, one doctor to another who were all afraid to see me a second time, much less touch me. Anyone who has gone through this process knows how very discouraging and scary this process is. "Is there that much wrong with me that doctors are actually afraid of me? What is the next doctor going to say? How am I ever going to make it through the pain before I can find any answers? WILL I make it through the pain before I find any answers?" The physical, mental, and emotional strain that this process puts on a person is very painful, draining, and by no lessor of a means, scary! There is no way to describe any of the above to anyone who has never experienced it other than to say, "You wouldn't beleive me if I told you, and I do not have the strength to help your disbeleif." The nights of laying in bed crying from the pain, from the fear of what tomorrow will feel like, the frustration of no one around you understanding, the frustration of not knowing what is wrong or where you can turn to find out, the anger of feeling that no one believes you, yet the pain is often so crippling, the anger of feeling like all is lost......it's more than any one person should have to withstand.

In the last four months or so, my family and I have been blessed with finding a church in which we love enough to call home, and a Pastor in Whom we trust to turn to for guidance. I can not emphasize enough just how this has had an impact on many aspects of our lives, not only as a family, but for each of us individually as well. We have been led to once again turn our trust and faith to the Lord, and beleive me when I tell you, for this, all Glory goes to God!

In the last three months, my physical condition has gone down at a pretty good pace. To the point that I now can not live a day without medication and stay intact both physically and emotionally. My body is now starting to immune itself to the medications I am taking, which is taking it's toll on my sleep, my mentality, my emotions, and my life. I have recently filed for disability with hopes and prayers of my application being accepted. I will be undergoing treatment for the rest of my life and facing paralysis and a wheelchair in my upcoming future. There are still more MRI's to do, one on my lower back, and one for my hips and pelvis. They are far from done with me.

 The diagnosis' that has led to this point in my life and all of the medications are as follows: Cervical (neck) Degenerative Disease, Cervical Stenosis, Cervical Radiculopathy, Cervical Myofascial Pain, Lumbar ( lower spine) Degenerative Disease, C6-C8 Disk Protrusion, Associated Impingement of the Right 7th and 8th Cervical Nerve, Canal Stenosis at levels C5 thru C7, Multi Level Facet Arthrosis, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic Headaches, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, and needless to say-Depression.

A 9 year old's trajedy, endless miracles from the Grace of God, now a young woman's fight.

My name is Shannon Wenneberg. Welcome to My Story!

*Alone we can do nothing, but with God all things are possible*