Fear and Inspiration

Often times we are faced with challenges which can stir up many questions in our mind, and emotions in our heart. Sometimes the answers seem quite clear, but sometimes, our mind can be clouded, leaving us unsure, once again. Then, one day we come face to face with a situation which leaves an Inspirational imprint on our heart.

As Bradley (my son) and I stepped out of the elevator and into the front lobby, I noticed there was a lady about my age sitting by the lobby doors, waiting very patiently. On her lap sat a blanket which kept her legs warm, and in her hands was a book which she was reading to pass the time. She seemed quite content at the moment. Then I noticed that she was sitting in a wheelchair.

As we walked by her to exit the lobby, the young lady looked up, and our eyes met with a friendly smile and a warm greeting. As Bradley and I approached the car, I expressed to him my concern for her, wondering if she was ok or if she needed any help. It was difficult to sit patiently in the car because I felt as though I had just let this lady sit, alone, not knowing her circumstances.

We headed back inside the building to wait on Grace to be done with her appointment, and I noticed the lady was still sitting there reading her book. Although she seemed to be content, I could not help but ask her if she was ok or if she needed any help. She smiled so sincerely and explained to me that she was fine and that she was just waiting on call-a-ride. Call-a-ride is an organization that helps the disabled get to their appointments when they can not drive, or do not have transportation. Again she smiled and then thanked me for my concern. I could then rest a bit easier knowing that she was ok. So, Bradley and I continued to the elevator, to the second floor, and to the office where we continued our wait for Grace to be done.

As this lady was so young and so pretty, the situation had raised a lot of emotion for me. When Bradley and I stepped into the elevator and the doors closed, all I could say was "Hello Reality". She was too young and too pretty to be sitting in that wheelchair. I guess disabilities are none picky about who they attack. I already know this, given my present circumstances, but seeing her sitting there like that really hit home for me. I felt bad for her. She did not seem to be the happiest person in the world, but she surely was not bitter either. She did, however, seem to be quite content for the moment. It made me wonder, is she content with the present situation, waiting on her ride? Or is she content with her life in general? This I will never know, but I would like to think that she is content with her life in general, and that she has found peace within her circumstance.

This raised a lot of debate within my own mind. What is life going to be like when I can no longer drive myself to my own appointments? Will I be as patient and content as this lady seemed to be? Will I be as friendly and as grateful to those willing to help as she was with me? Or will I be impatient, and mad at the world? What will life be like when I can no longer drive myself to the grocery store to use the time shopping as some time to myself? Will I see it as just spending time with my family and be grateful for thier help? Or will I be bitter and angry because I can no longer do it on my own? What will life be like when I can no longer do the seemingly simple things on my own like I can now? Will I be able to be content with my life and thannkful for the family that is so willing to help? Or will I be bitter and jealous because I used to be able to, but now I need assistance? Will I accept thier help? Or will I be hard headed and stubborn, determined to do it on my own? Will my children be accepting and willing to help me the way they are now? Or will they be bitter and mad towards me because helping me adds to the things they have to do? Will this cause resentment towards me from my family? Will my kids be ashamed of me when it comes to their friends, their school events, or even the things they do in their adult lives? Or will they not care about the looks, the pointed fingers, and the laughter from others in this world? The last thing I ever want to do to this family is to slow them down or make more responsibility on them than they deserve. I want my children to live happy and normal lives, not to have to worry about the parent at home that needs taken care of. It's my job as a parent to take care of them, not the other way around.

My husband is awesome in his reassurance to me that he will take care of me every step of the way,and I love him dearly for that. He reassures me that he will do everything he possibly can to make sure I keep my independance, and that he will always be here to help me with anything and everything that I can not do on my own. He reassures me that his love for me is so great, that he will not mind helping me in any way he possibly can. I am grateful for the husband and the children that I have. He is sincere in his efforts of reassurance for my comfort. Still I wonder though, how long will it take for resentment to set in? How long will he go to work day after day, and then have to come home to take care of a wife that should be taking care of him, before he gets tired of it? How long before he starts making excuses to not come home right away because he does not want to deal with it? If I have days that are filled with depression, anger, fear, or negative, will he fall into that, or will he hold me tight and be patient and understanding? As with my children, I do not want to slow him down or become a burden to him. I do not want him to feel like the world is on his shoulders.

There are so many things that scare me with this situation, but I continue to tell myself over and over again that my family loves me for me, and that they will do for me as I would do for them in this situation. I still have to remember though, they are as human as I am. I know they will go through changes with this as well. Where I ask of them to be patient with me, I will also have to be patient with them as the adjustments are made.

Although many questions and emotions were raised by seeing this young lady, I walked away from her with a lot of Inspiration as well. She seemed to be content and accepting of her situation. She was patient and occupied with a good book while she waited on  her ride. She was very kind and grateful to those who asked if she needed help, or struck conversation with her, and she greeted each person with a beautiful smile and a kind and gentle tone of voice. As there was no one there with her to help, she seemed to still hold her independance. I pray to be more like this woman when it is my time to face this situation.

I pray for the strength and the courage to smile through every situation, and towards every person that crosses my path. I pray for the patience and contenment with every situation which I have to wait for others to assist with the things I can no longer do on my own. I pray for the love in my heart to be grateful for every ounce of help that is given to me. And I pray for the peace in my soul to be able to accept my situation as it is, and to not be bitter about it. I pray for the trust in my fmaily, that they will not hold resentment or shame towards me in any given way. I pray for the faith that I will find continued independance and that I will never be a burden on my family.

I know that with my faith and my trust in the Lord, these things will be blessed upon me. I know the Lord will contiue to keep his hand upon me througout each and every trial that comes my way. I also know that without him, I can not do this. I am one of his many, many children, and I know that he will take care of me and he will not love any less through any path that my life is on.

*Alone I can do nothing, but with God, all things are possible*

When do we start?

(Sigh) Today is day officially day 17 of one clingy and nagging headache that will not go away. I have been to the Emergency Room and had their “migraine cocktail”, and was finally able to get some good sleep, but still no relief from the nagging burning, tension and pain. Yes, it’s driving me nuts. I have to say though, it is making me appreciate things I never thought would be so hard to have…….relief would be the number one thing I miss. For the most part, headaches do not seem so hard to get rid of. There are a lot of Migraine Medications out there, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Advil, Aleeve, a good night’s sleep, or a nice long nap. But I haven’t found the first thing to knock this one out, and with no insurance, I surely can’t afford all the prescriptions to do trial and error. I don’t think I even have the patience for all that at this point. This headache and the other issues I am facing, makes me wonder……….

“When do we start to appreciate the simpler things in our lives?”

For most of us, dragging ourselves out of bed in the morning does not seem like a big deal. Getting up and walking to the bathroom on our own seems simply natural. Jumping in the shower and washing ourselves is something we have done all of our lives. To be able to jump on a bicycle and ride it down the road or into town is something we have also done all our lives, so it’s not something that everyone is really grateful to be able to do. It’s just something that we do! Playing with our children or our Grandchildren is always a blessing in many different ways, but are we really eternally grateful for being able to crawl on the floor with them, or to be able to play hide and seek with them, or for that fact, any other games that we play with them on a daily basis? Standing on our feet for hours to cook that awesome meal that our family so richly deserves often times seems grueling, but it’s well worth it when we sit to eat! Cleaning our house sometimes seems like such a chore, but we hurry to get it done and when it’s over, the house looks beautiful and smells so good that it is simply irresistible to sit down and enjoy it for the rest of the day. Driving ourselves to town to go to the grocery store, gas station, or the bank sometimes feels like such tiring tasks, but there is always a reason to go. I could go on and on about the simpler things in life that we often take for granted. We often moan, groan and complain about having to do these things when we have a day off because all we want to do is relax, and rightfully so! But let me ask you this….

What if all those simple pleasures were ripped away from you in the blink of an eye? What would you do? How would you feel? Would it then be too late to get out of bed, stretch, and throw your arms high in the air Thanking God for another day of pulling yourself up? Would it then be too late to be grateful for waking in the middle of the night because you have to get up to go to the bathroom, only now you can’t get on your own and you  end up wetting yourself and the bed? Would it then be too late to endure the pain of riding that bicycle down the block or to town with gratefulness to the Lord, simply because you were able to, only now you wish you could? Would it then be too late to be grateful for the kids’ playtime that wears you down, when now you can only watch and wish you could? Would it be too late to not only thank God for the meal on your plate, but to thank Him for allowing you to cook it, when now you can’t even get to the stove top, much less the stuff to cook it with?

Would it be too late to be thankful for the many simple pleasures and activities in your life, painful or not, that we take for granted each and every waking day of our lives?

Would it be too late to be thankful for the many simple pleasures and activities in your life, painful or not, that we take for granted each and every waking day of our lives?

We need to thank God for every single thing in our lives, no matter how big, how small, or how seemingly unimportant, for He is our creator, and He has written our destiny, for each and every one of us. We need to realize that without God in our lives, nothing is possible. *Alone we can do nothing, but with God, all things are possible.* This is a phrase I live with every single day, as should you as well. It does bring comfort to your heart and mind, I promise you that!

There is always a process in which we go through in life, whether it’s an awesome time in life, or the absolute worst time in life. No one can fault us for the way we feel, for the fears that we face. God does not judge us for these feelings, where those of the flesh do, is that not enough to make you Thankful and Grateful for simple things in life that God has allowed us to experience? I think it is!

The road to acceptance is not a short road, much less EASY! There are a lot of changes in which one endures. But as you travel this road, never forget that God is there and understands. Never feel ashamed to show your grief, never feel ashamed to cry, never feel ashamed to let the world know that you are scared, never be ashamed for the life you have lived. Instead, find God in all things and Thank Him for his Work!

I am scared of the changes that my body is going through and putting me through, both physical and mental, I would be lying to you if I said that I wasn’t. I go through changes on a daily basis with the conditions I know that I have, the conditions that are yet to be found, and what my future holds with all of it. I know how badly my body has been torn apart over the years, but I am also grateful for every lesson I have learned through all of it! Do I cry? Yes! Do I have emotional roller coaster rides? YEP! Do I often cry and feel like giving up because I can’t get any relief with any medications? YOU BETCHA! Every single day!

If you are living this life, or love someone who is living this life, then you understand exactly where I am coming from. Rest assured my friend, you are never alone. There are compassionate and understanding individuals in this world who are more than willing to listen to you and to try to comfort you when you need comforting, you only have to reach out to them. NEVER feel like a burden because you are not. What you are going through is very real, just because it is not real for others, does not mean it is not real for you, and that surely does not give them a right to downplay your feelings. God listens and understands every plea, no matter how big or how small, and He does not judge us for our anger or despair.  

So, when will you start being grateful for your life? I have already started and I will never forget to say Thank you to My Lord for allowing me the strength and the courage to continue moving on!

ISAIAH 41:9-41:13

9: “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

10: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

11: ”All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.

12: Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.

13: For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,  Do not fear; I will help you.”

Don't tell me

Don't tell me it will be ok
that's not what I need to hear,
tell me of your love for me
that you'll always hold me near.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when you can't walk in my shoes,
just understand the fear of things
and that it's so brand new.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when things get so much closer,
just hold me when I cry at night
reassure me your love's not over.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when you don't know how I feel,
just understand that something's wrong
and for me the pain is real.

Don't tell me it will be ok
that one day I won't walk,
just tell me that you understand
and that you're always here to talk.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when I'm feeling overwhelmed,
remind me of my many blessings
and that I do not live in hell.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when I feel that all is gone,
sit next to me and pray with me
no matter how short or long.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when nothing good seems near,
just help me build my faith and strength
remind me God is here.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when I only want to cry,
remind me of your love for me
and hold me forever tight.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when this you do not know,
let me deal in my own true way
cause soon my pain will go.

I only ask for your love and strength
to help me through this life,
but don't tell me it will be ok
because I feel that is a lie.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when my pain is so very real,
just tell me of your love for me
and that you will help me heal.

S.R.W.

My Life Today

My intent for this blog is to share my story, my fears, and my prayers, in hopes that I can help to inspire others who may be going through some of the same issues which I am facing. I know that for myself, I will find Inspiration from others as well. I have high hopes that this blog will turn into more than just a "blog". I would like to establish a support system for those who seek strength from others who walk, or have walked, a day in the life of pain, fear, emotional roller coaster rides, depression, and everything else which is caused from disabilities of any kind. I encourage you to share your story, whether you are seeking peace and strength, or wanting to offer peace and strength to those whose stories have touched your heart, or who's stories seem all to familiar to you. I encourage you to reach out, tell your story, seek support, seek prayer, seek strength, seek peace, seek whatever it takes to help you through your struggle, and by all means, seek a supportive friend!

I am a 37 year old proud wife and mother! My husband, Brad is 41, my children are Leon(20), Bradley(15),Shaelyn(14), and Grace (8). As you learn more about me, you will better understand why my children, my husband, and my life are all miracles by the Grace of God, and why I feel the importance of doing such a blog!

My husband, our children Bradley and Grace and I moved to an awesome town in Northern Utah in October of 2009. We found a beautiful house, on the side of a beautiful mountain, with a beautiful view across the top of the valley to the beautiful mountain on the other side! (Can't tell I think it's beautiful here, can you?) The snowfalls in the winter are often, and they are often great! During the winter, herds of deer come down the mountain and some often gather in the wooded area in our back yard and peek at us through the chain link fence that seperates them from us! Needless to say, it's the most beautiful and breathtaking thing I have ever seen in my life! I was raised in a small town in Ohio, a "flatlander", so this is very new and exciting for me. I was an over the road truck driver for ten years and have seen some beautiful sites, but none of them can quite compare to what I have surrounding me here!

I have known since I was 9 years old, that life as I knew it, would take a tumble. I never really quite knew when, but I have always hoped to live a full life and to not have to worry about it for many, MANY years to come. I worked hard, I played hard, and I challenged life's obstacles as though I was invisible. I may not have accomplished great things, but the things I have accomplished, have been great!

Two weeks after moving on to our new life, in a new place, a new town, a new state, knowing not one soul here, much less the first doctor, life started making it's change for me. Once again, the right side of my neck bulged out, only this time, it took my right side with it. After a week of massive pain, and a chiropractor who made the conditions worse, I was finally blessed with a doctor who I could afford to go to. Unfortunately, he did not have the answers, only a temporary fix. And it was just that, a temporary fix! I was grateful for the relief and the doctor was grateful for the trust I had put in him. Unfortunately, he knew my conditions were beyond his control as a family physician, the problems laid deeper than he felt comfortable enough to address. The second visit I made to him with the same problem was in less than a month. He then knew there was nothing he could safely do for me, other than to refer me to an orthopedic doctor. Anyone who knows what it is like to not have Health Insurance, understands why I did not visit the ortho doctor right away for this problem. Within yet another month, I was calling him again, crying and begging for his help. He was honest and let me know he did not want to waste my money again, there was nothing he could do for me and he was afraid he would only make for more problems by trying.

The third time put me down and in the emergency room. I was blessed with a compassionate doctor who understood my plea for mercy. He ordered the necessary MRI, then told me it was obvious that I needed to follow up with the Ortho I was originally referred to. At that time, it appeared to my husband and I both that the only answers or treatment I was going to get was to 'bite the bullet' and pay out of pocket to go see this doctor. So that is what we did.

Since that time, I have had to cut corners to get relief and answers, one doctor to another who were all afraid to see me a second time, much less touch me. Anyone who has gone through this process knows how very discouraging and scary this process is. "Is there that much wrong with me that doctors are actually afraid of me? What is the next doctor going to say? How am I ever going to make it through the pain before I can find any answers? WILL I make it through the pain before I find any answers?" The physical, mental, and emotional strain that this process puts on a person is very painful, draining, and by no lessor of a means, scary! There is no way to describe any of the above to anyone who has never experienced it other than to say, "You wouldn't beleive me if I told you, and I do not have the strength to help your disbeleif." The nights of laying in bed crying from the pain, from the fear of what tomorrow will feel like, the frustration of no one around you understanding, the frustration of not knowing what is wrong or where you can turn to find out, the anger of feeling that no one believes you, yet the pain is often so crippling, the anger of feeling like all is lost......it's more than any one person should have to withstand.

In the last four months or so, my family and I have been blessed with finding a church in which we love enough to call home, and a Pastor in Whom we trust to turn to for guidance. I can not emphasize enough just how this has had an impact on many aspects of our lives, not only as a family, but for each of us individually as well. We have been led to once again turn our trust and faith to the Lord, and beleive me when I tell you, for this, all Glory goes to God!

In the last three months, my physical condition has gone down at a pretty good pace. To the point that I now can not live a day without medication and stay intact both physically and emotionally. My body is now starting to immune itself to the medications I am taking, which is taking it's toll on my sleep, my mentality, my emotions, and my life. I have recently filed for disability with hopes and prayers of my application being accepted. I will be undergoing treatment for the rest of my life and facing paralysis and a wheelchair in my upcoming future. There are still more MRI's to do, one on my lower back, and one for my hips and pelvis. They are far from done with me.

 The diagnosis' that has led to this point in my life and all of the medications are as follows: Cervical (neck) Degenerative Disease, Cervical Stenosis, Cervical Radiculopathy, Cervical Myofascial Pain, Lumbar ( lower spine) Degenerative Disease, C6-C8 Disk Protrusion, Associated Impingement of the Right 7th and 8th Cervical Nerve, Canal Stenosis at levels C5 thru C7, Multi Level Facet Arthrosis, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic Headaches, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, and needless to say-Depression.

A 9 year old's trajedy, endless miracles from the Grace of God, now a young woman's fight.

My name is Shannon Wenneberg. Welcome to My Story!

*Alone we can do nothing, but with God all things are possible*