New Hope

Finally! November 19, 2010 - Disability made a decision to accept my case. I am now covered medically and can move forward with more testing and undergo necessary treatments.

As I lay here on a very cold winter night, watching the fire burn in the fireplace with total silence in the house, a calm seems to come over me. It's been a hard day of frustration and confusion that will only linger on into tomorrow. With a foot and a half of snow laying on the ground and below zero temperatures outside, physical conditions seem to be worsening by day and new conditions making their way into my life. The migraines that have been attacking are steadily getting more intense, and the swelling in my neck is now a buldge from the base of my skull to just below the bend in my neck. My head feels too heavy to keep up throughout most of the day sometimes and movement gives sharp pains and sounds of rubbing bones in my neck. Keeping objects in my hands for more than a couple of minutes at a time is starting to become a frustrating task. And now, bulging in my hip and pelvis, which causes a lot of discomfort and pain down the rest of my right side. I shouldn't complain. I am grateful to still be ok throughout everyday. I can still get out of bed, get dressed, clean house, drive to the store, etc....on my own. I am still me and I am happy with that.

Hearing the words, "It says here that you were approved....actually the approval went into the system today", brought a spark to my heart. YEE HA! Relief is on it's way, and within reach! It was a relief to simply know I was approved for help with medical expenses.

Now, after two seemingly long weeks of attempted patience and bugging the doctors office, I finally have a doctors appointment set for Monday! It has been a little while since my last visit to the Orthapedic Doctor, so new MRI's and tests are needed. Admittedly, I am anxiously waiting for this appointment as I know it will bring some relief.

I am nervous about what else we are going to find with these tests. Actually, I think I'm kind of scared. I guess it's the fear of the unknown plaguing my mind, which I am told is normal. I find comfort in prayer and faith, probably more now than before. I feel a peace in my heart when I ask for strength and courage as I move forward with these appointments, tests, and receiving the results. I have faith that My Lord will take care of me and not allow me to endure more than I can handle. Do I still get scared? Ya, I certainly do. But I have learned that when that fear sets in, or I start to feel down, I can turn to prayer for comfort. It really is an amazing and powerful feeling!

So on I go! With the help and support of my family and my friends, I have faith that this fight will become easier. With excessive fatigue and excessive sleep, I sometimes feel like I've simply given up, but I am kept in constant reminder that I am only listening to my body and giving it what it needs at this point. I have faith in my doctors that they will do everything they possibly can to address the issues properly, and help me get back on track to live more productively than I am now. I am aware that some aspects of this whole situation simply will not change, but I am praying for those aspects to be further down the road than what they seem to be today.

I give alot of thanks for the help, support, patience and understanding that surrounds me every day. I couldn't ask, or even want for more!

Thankfulness

It's that time of year again! Time for family, good friends, and awesome food! The smell of freshly baked Pumpkin and Apple pies, Turkey cooking in the oven, and Yams cooking on the stove! A time we all come together to hear children laughing and playing about, to tell our loved ones of our appreciation for them, to show our friends that they are more than friends, they are family! A time to count the many things we have to be thankful for.

Have you stopped and thought about the many things YOU have to be grateful for? The things that have happened that make you stop in your tracks and say Thank you, sometimes over and over again. The things that make you take notice of the friend you have in others, or the love you have for your family. What about those things that remind you that your Lord is always doing his work in your life? Sometimes we do not stop to take notice or to give thanks for the things that prevail in our lives at that particular moment. Now is the time!

This year I have found that I have many things to be grateful for. Things that have not only prevailed this year alone, but also in the years past as well. Many of which I have taken for granted and not realized how grateful I should have been.

This year alone, I have faced many different challenges. Challenges which have made me realize that I can not face my future alone and be able to maintain any kind of courage or sanity. These challenges have put me back in the hands of my Lord. I am Thankful for finding him and for finding the faith that allows me to know whole heartedly that he will take care of me throughout my life and the many trials which I am faced with. I am thankful that My Lord loves me unconditionally and that no matter how far I ever stray from him, he will always be there waiting for me to come back, and that He will always graciously accept me when I do. I am grateful for the love He gives!

Throughout my life, I have put my parents through pure hell. Through it all, they have loved me unconditionally, taken care of me when I couldn't take care of myself, showed me right from wrong, protected me with everything they had, provided for me, gave me the best and the most loving parents one could ever ask for, and gave me an awesome life. I am thankful for the parents I have and for the unconditional love they have always given. I know I do not always show it or tell it, but my heart and soul feels it throughout each and every day, my mind thinks of them throughout each and every day, and my memories remind me of their love through each and every day. They are forever my heart and my soul.
I am thankful for my children. For the unconditional love I found through the birth of each and every one of them. I am thankful for the unconditional love they have given me throughout each and every day of their lives and through the trials that I put them through. I. am thankful that no matter the circumstances surrounding my children and I, they continue to love me and I continue to love them. I am thankful the Good Lord blessed me with these children as I could not imagine my life without them or the love they give.

I am thankful for the man I married and have devoted my life to loving. He brings me joy, peace, comfort, and a new feeling of love. I am blessed with a man who is loving, patient, understanding, and devoted to his family. I could not imagine my life without him or the love he so graciously gives.

I am thankful for all of my family who has been there for me, put up with all my crap, and has loved me and supported me through it all. I am truly blessed with wonderful brother's and sister's, aunt's and uncle's, niece's and nephew's, Grandma's and Grandpa's, and all of my cousins. I am thankful for each and every one of them and the love they have to give!

I am thankful for my friend's who are both near and far, and for my friends who have come and gone. For their ears that listen to all my problems, and their hearts that are so patient as to put up with me throughout the year's, or even for a short time. I am thankful for the joy, the laughter, the love, and the tears that I have shared with each one of them.

Overall, I am thankful for the 37 years of life the Lord has blessed me with! For all the hard lessons learned, for the many joys, for the many people in it, and for the love that I have ben blessed to give and to receive. I am thankful for everything this life has given me, and for everything it has to offer.

Thank you Lord for the life and the Love You have so graciously given me and Blessed me with!

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was
you." - Corrie Ten Boom

FORGIVENESS -The process of concluding resentment, indignation, or
anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or
ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Laying on hot pavement, being held down on the ground, everyone staring
down at me, not realizing at first what was really happening. My
bicycle leaning against the light pole behind my head, crushed. Then,
realizing I had been hit by a semi, I couldn't see a semi anywhere
around me. Did the police have the semi and driver? I didn't see any
police around. Was the driver one who was looking down on me? I seemed
to recognize everyone who was looking down on me, so was it someone I
knew? No, it was none of the above. The driver had fled the scene,
leaving a nine year old child to lay on the hot pavement, alone, dead
or alive.

Did the driver even care? What did the driver have to hide that he
couldn't stop to attempt to help? What was the driver afraid of? Or was
the driver just that cold and calloused?

For 27 years, I have asked these questions over and over again. Noone
has ever come forward to claim the accident, and I doubt anyone ever
will. For many years, I have wished the driver pain and suffering. For
many years after, I wished this person horrifying nightmares, night
after night. I have wished torturing flashbacks of the accident on that
driver. Why? Because of the things I am left to live with. Flashbacks
of the hood of the truck, flashbacks of the tires running over my body.
Years later, fears of my own truck running me over during inspections,
during drop and hooks, during adjustment of trailer tandems, and during
adjustments of my own brakes. And now, the rest of my life with
physically debilitating medical conditions.

Have I forgiven that driver? Of course I haven't. I have forgiven the
accident itself because I know that accidents happen. But, I have never
forgiven the driver for running from the accident so carelessly. Such
an act of immorality, unkind, and inhumane.

I have not yet found a justifiable reason to forgive this act. But, I
am at a point in my life that I realize, it's simply the right thing to
do. Does that make it any easier to do after 27 years? No, it sure
doesn't. But I believe that if I can find it in my heart to forgive the
driver, my healing process will become much easier. It is then that I
will be able to focus on healing instead of focusing on being the
victim. It is only then, that I will be able to release myself from my
prison cell full of memories, visions, replayed feelings and questions,
in which I have lived for 27 years.

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To truly achieve
forgiveness, one must recognize the importance of forgiveness in their
lives at a given time. For me, there has never been a time in which I
felt it necessary to forgive that driver, until now.

With my current medical conditions, my upcoming treatments, and future
conditions which I am facing, every part of that day has come back to
haunt my mind. More visions, more nightmares, and more questions of
what, why, and how.

What did I ever do so bad at the age of nine, to deserve such inhumane
treatment? This challenges my spiritual beliefs in knowing that God
does not punish his children. Why didn't the driver stop to se if I was
dead or alive? "The secret to forgiving everything, is to understand
nothing. " - George Bernard. How could a person live with themselves
knowing a life could have just been taken by their hand and they did
nothing to help? Luke 6:37 - "Judge not and you will not be judged. Do
not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be
forgiven."

So much of my energy is wasted on anger and hatred towards that driver
because of the way I was left for dead in the road that day. If I could
redirect that energy towards healing and acceptance, I could then move
on with the rest of my life with love and forgiveness in my heart,
instead of questions and negativity on my mind.

Forgiveness is a choice we make. It is not mandatory to forgive our
trespassors, it's also not something that we can just say to someone
and truly mean. It takes time to truly forgive someone for their acts
against us. When we choose to forgive someone whole heartedly, we
choose to agree with ourselves to overlook the wrong one has done to us
and move on with our lives. We are willing to give up our resentment,
revenge, and obsessions, allowing God's divine love to flow through us,
dissolving all hurt, bitterness, and sense of injustice.

Our reward for forgiving our trespassors - freedom from our own prison
cell.

Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the act, or that we have to
reconcile with that person. Forgiveness does not depend on one's
apologies or their changing of ways. Forgiveness is simply finding
peace inside oneself that can not be compelled or stopped by another.
The key ingredient to forgiveness, is compassion. But to have
compassion for others, we must have compassion for ourselves. We must
care.

As for me, I am sure I will forgive the driver, in time. I am trying to
learn to forgive one day at a time, no matter how difficult the task.
Every day I pray for the capability to do so, and if I have to forgive
over and over again, the Lord's work with my heart will eventually be
complete. It is then that the driver will be forgiven and I will
continue to move on. My best foot is forward in the attempt to achieve
this goal.

"Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was
you." - Corrie Ten Boom

Beautiful Winter

As Mother Nature is taking her course here in the mountains, the temperatures are beginning to drop, the leaves are changing their colors, and everything around us is making its changes for the winter. With the snow already appearing on the peaks of the mountains, the signs of winter are very clear. The deer are starting to come down the mountain sides for the winter and starting to gather in the lot in the back of the house again. What a peaceful site!

As anyone knows, winter brings some cold temperatures, and in the mountains – a lot of snow! It is very beautiful here in the winter time, and I have the best seat in the house! As the temperatures are dropping, I am starting to settle into my ‘winter nest’.  They say it’s going to be a rough winter this year. Last winter there were drops of 7 and 8 inches of snow at a time, temperatures of -18, and at one point, 19 inches of snow on the ground in our back yard. As this was only our first winter here, my very first winter in the mountains, I am not real sure what to expect as far as what a rough winter is going to entail, but I can just imagine!

Last winter was really tough on my body, but I made the best of it as good as I possibly could. With my right side flaring up and putting me in bed sometimes twice a month, it was difficult to enjoy, but I learned to appreciate what I was given. Early in the winter, we decided to go skiing at one of the local ski resorts, which was really a lot of fun. While Grace and I were spending our time on the Bunny Slope learning how to fall (LOL), Brad and Bradley were riding the ski lift to the mountain tops and skiing down with ease. It was a really awesome experience! As it was my first time ever doing this, it only took me about an hour and a half to realize that it would be my last. My legs were hurting shortly after we started, by the time I finally gave up, I was hurting so bad that I knew if I didn’t stop, I probably wouldn’t be getting back up from the next fall. By the time I had stopped, I could barely walk, much less try to ski anymore. The rest of the day was spent at the lodge watching Brad and Bradley come down the mountain, clowning around, falling, and having fun. It was quite the site to see! When all was said and done, I ended up on the couch for 3 days and could barely move, much less walk. This is one of those experiences that I could say, “I tried it, I loved it, but I will never be able to handle it.” Chalk one up for effort!

Later in the season, we all decided it would be fun to go rent snowmobiles and go play in the mountains! Another awesome experience! I got the pleasure of the luxury snowmobile which had two seats on it, so Grace could ride with me. Riding through the trails, climbing the hills, everyone getting stuck and having to dig and push their way out of the ruts, it was truly an experience! To ride to the top of the mountains and look out at the scenery was an experience like I have never had, and an experience that I will never forget! Unfortunately, it was an experience that I will never again be able to enjoy like that. It took too much toll on my body, and again put me down for 2 days. The memories will remain with me forever though. It was so beautiful being at the top, shutting the motor off, and hearing nothing but silence. It was the most peaceful and relaxing thing I have ever experienced in my life. Looking over Bear Lake and into the mountains beyond was probably the most beautiful site I have ever seen. Had the kids not been there, God only knows what kind of trouble my husband and I would have gotten into up there! It was very romantic and allowed for the soul to feel free! I will never forget it!

I don’t see this winter being as eventful as last, but I can say that I will be here enjoying the simpler things that this place has to offer. I won’t be treading off into the mountains or into the woods to explore, but that’s ok. Hibernating for the winter seems like a less painful option, especially considering that even though temperatures are not freezing yet, I am already feeling the effects of the coming weather. People wonder how I can sit here in the house for days on end, but it’s really not that difficult, especially when there is not much choice in the matter. I have found a lot of peace here. Sitting at my kitchen table, I have an awesome view of the rest of the mountain that we live on, and I can watch the deer play and mingle in the back yard! Sitting in my chair in the living room, I can see the top of the Temple in town that is lit up so beautifully day in and day out, which is very peaceful and helps me focus on my prayers. No, we are not LDS, but a person does not have to be LDS to appreciate the beauty and the representation of it all. It’s simply a wonderful reminder!  As I sit or lay on my couch looking out the picture windows in the living room, I can look across the top of the valley and into the mountains on the other side. As the snow decides to fall, the mountains become white little by little, from the top to the bottom. Watching the clouds cover the tips and the sun beaming down upon them is an absolutely beautiful site! With as much time as I spend on the couch and not being able to get up for the most part, I have learned where to find my peace. In my mind, I can climb to the top of the mountains, I can explore the woods, I can watch the wildlife, I can do anything simply by allowing my mind to escape as I watch the snow falling! It truly is an amazing distraction from the things that keep me down. It is disappointing to know that I can’t venture off with the rest of my family when it comes to winter activities, but they understand why and do not hold it against me. I enjoy staring off into the silence probably just as much as they enjoy being out there in it!

Although there really is nothing that I can do here in the winter, I have learned how to make the most out of my time. I read a lot, spend a lot of time in front of the fireplace, watch a lot of movies, spend a lot of time with my animals, and spend a lot of time letting my mind run away into the mountains where I would love to be. Anyone who knows me knows that this is not typical of me. I have always been able to work and pull myself through the winters fairly easily. Last winter was not so easy, matter of fact, it was just the beginning of the rest of my life. No more shoveling snow, no more building snowmen or making snow angels, no  more snowball fights, no more winter fun like it used to be. Do I still find peace of mind? I surely try! Living in a place that has been so Blessed and offers just as many Blessings, has helped me start to turn over a new leaf. Learning to take comfort in what I have left so far, has become quite the challenge, but I think as with anything else, time will help me become accustomed to the changes and eventually it will be easier. For now, I find peace and comfort in my surroundings, in the things I can still do for my family, and in my Lord. That should be enough, but it’s still a big change and often times a bigger challenge.

As I am often speaking with my doctors office lately in the attempt at finding some relief (which I can’t seem to do), the newer symptoms are leading to newer tests. They want to do an ultrasound on my neck as there is a new bulge which just keeps growing and causing grief, and there are new symptoms which are entailing new MRI’s, including the portions of my body they have not done yet, which they are also wanting to do once this process is started again. The Dr wants to attempt steroid shots in my neck to see if that will offer up any relief, but the disk at c5-c6 is so bulged that the chance of it working is slim. So, needless to say, surgery options are now being discussed. With the new bulge in my neck, they are not even sure the shot will be an option at this point. So on to more testing we go, hi ho – hi ho – hi ho! I’m not sure that the issue of having a hard time staying in this year will be much of a problem. I don’t really think I am going to be doing much outside of Dr appointments anyway!

So, on to more books to read, more blogs to write, more wood for the fireplace, more time with my doggies, and probably some new movies in my near future, but we’ll see what time brings on! No matter what, I just keep praying that peace, serenity, and acceptance, comes along with it!

*Alone I can do nothing, but with God, all things are possible!*

When do we start?

(Sigh) Today is day officially day 17 of one clingy and nagging headache that will not go away. I have been to the Emergency Room and had their “migraine cocktail”, and was finally able to get some good sleep, but still no relief from the nagging burning, tension and pain. Yes, it’s driving me nuts. I have to say though, it is making me appreciate things I never thought would be so hard to have…….relief would be the number one thing I miss. For the most part, headaches do not seem so hard to get rid of. There are a lot of Migraine Medications out there, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Advil, Aleeve, a good night’s sleep, or a nice long nap. But I haven’t found the first thing to knock this one out, and with no insurance, I surely can’t afford all the prescriptions to do trial and error. I don’t think I even have the patience for all that at this point. This headache and the other issues I am facing, makes me wonder……….

“When do we start to appreciate the simpler things in our lives?”

For most of us, dragging ourselves out of bed in the morning does not seem like a big deal. Getting up and walking to the bathroom on our own seems simply natural. Jumping in the shower and washing ourselves is something we have done all of our lives. To be able to jump on a bicycle and ride it down the road or into town is something we have also done all our lives, so it’s not something that everyone is really grateful to be able to do. It’s just something that we do! Playing with our children or our Grandchildren is always a blessing in many different ways, but are we really eternally grateful for being able to crawl on the floor with them, or to be able to play hide and seek with them, or for that fact, any other games that we play with them on a daily basis? Standing on our feet for hours to cook that awesome meal that our family so richly deserves often times seems grueling, but it’s well worth it when we sit to eat! Cleaning our house sometimes seems like such a chore, but we hurry to get it done and when it’s over, the house looks beautiful and smells so good that it is simply irresistible to sit down and enjoy it for the rest of the day. Driving ourselves to town to go to the grocery store, gas station, or the bank sometimes feels like such tiring tasks, but there is always a reason to go. I could go on and on about the simpler things in life that we often take for granted. We often moan, groan and complain about having to do these things when we have a day off because all we want to do is relax, and rightfully so! But let me ask you this….

What if all those simple pleasures were ripped away from you in the blink of an eye? What would you do? How would you feel? Would it then be too late to get out of bed, stretch, and throw your arms high in the air Thanking God for another day of pulling yourself up? Would it then be too late to be grateful for waking in the middle of the night because you have to get up to go to the bathroom, only now you can’t get on your own and you  end up wetting yourself and the bed? Would it then be too late to endure the pain of riding that bicycle down the block or to town with gratefulness to the Lord, simply because you were able to, only now you wish you could? Would it then be too late to be grateful for the kids’ playtime that wears you down, when now you can only watch and wish you could? Would it be too late to not only thank God for the meal on your plate, but to thank Him for allowing you to cook it, when now you can’t even get to the stove top, much less the stuff to cook it with?

Would it be too late to be thankful for the many simple pleasures and activities in your life, painful or not, that we take for granted each and every waking day of our lives?

Would it be too late to be thankful for the many simple pleasures and activities in your life, painful or not, that we take for granted each and every waking day of our lives?

We need to thank God for every single thing in our lives, no matter how big, how small, or how seemingly unimportant, for He is our creator, and He has written our destiny, for each and every one of us. We need to realize that without God in our lives, nothing is possible. *Alone we can do nothing, but with God, all things are possible.* This is a phrase I live with every single day, as should you as well. It does bring comfort to your heart and mind, I promise you that!

There is always a process in which we go through in life, whether it’s an awesome time in life, or the absolute worst time in life. No one can fault us for the way we feel, for the fears that we face. God does not judge us for these feelings, where those of the flesh do, is that not enough to make you Thankful and Grateful for simple things in life that God has allowed us to experience? I think it is!

The road to acceptance is not a short road, much less EASY! There are a lot of changes in which one endures. But as you travel this road, never forget that God is there and understands. Never feel ashamed to show your grief, never feel ashamed to cry, never feel ashamed to let the world know that you are scared, never be ashamed for the life you have lived. Instead, find God in all things and Thank Him for his Work!

I am scared of the changes that my body is going through and putting me through, both physical and mental, I would be lying to you if I said that I wasn’t. I go through changes on a daily basis with the conditions I know that I have, the conditions that are yet to be found, and what my future holds with all of it. I know how badly my body has been torn apart over the years, but I am also grateful for every lesson I have learned through all of it! Do I cry? Yes! Do I have emotional roller coaster rides? YEP! Do I often cry and feel like giving up because I can’t get any relief with any medications? YOU BETCHA! Every single day!

If you are living this life, or love someone who is living this life, then you understand exactly where I am coming from. Rest assured my friend, you are never alone. There are compassionate and understanding individuals in this world who are more than willing to listen to you and to try to comfort you when you need comforting, you only have to reach out to them. NEVER feel like a burden because you are not. What you are going through is very real, just because it is not real for others, does not mean it is not real for you, and that surely does not give them a right to downplay your feelings. God listens and understands every plea, no matter how big or how small, and He does not judge us for our anger or despair.  

So, when will you start being grateful for your life? I have already started and I will never forget to say Thank you to My Lord for allowing me the strength and the courage to continue moving on!

ISAIAH 41:9-41:13

9: “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

10: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

11: ”All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.

12: Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.

13: For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,  Do not fear; I will help you.”

Don't tell me

Don't tell me it will be ok
that's not what I need to hear,
tell me of your love for me
that you'll always hold me near.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when you can't walk in my shoes,
just understand the fear of things
and that it's so brand new.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when things get so much closer,
just hold me when I cry at night
reassure me your love's not over.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when you don't know how I feel,
just understand that something's wrong
and for me the pain is real.

Don't tell me it will be ok
that one day I won't walk,
just tell me that you understand
and that you're always here to talk.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when I'm feeling overwhelmed,
remind me of my many blessings
and that I do not live in hell.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when I feel that all is gone,
sit next to me and pray with me
no matter how short or long.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when nothing good seems near,
just help me build my faith and strength
remind me God is here.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when I only want to cry,
remind me of your love for me
and hold me forever tight.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when this you do not know,
let me deal in my own true way
cause soon my pain will go.

I only ask for your love and strength
to help me through this life,
but don't tell me it will be ok
because I feel that is a lie.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when my pain is so very real,
just tell me of your love for me
and that you will help me heal.

S.R.W.