New Hope

Finally! November 19, 2010 - Disability made a decision to accept my case. I am now covered medically and can move forward with more testing and undergo necessary treatments.

As I lay here on a very cold winter night, watching the fire burn in the fireplace with total silence in the house, a calm seems to come over me. It's been a hard day of frustration and confusion that will only linger on into tomorrow. With a foot and a half of snow laying on the ground and below zero temperatures outside, physical conditions seem to be worsening by day and new conditions making their way into my life. The migraines that have been attacking are steadily getting more intense, and the swelling in my neck is now a buldge from the base of my skull to just below the bend in my neck. My head feels too heavy to keep up throughout most of the day sometimes and movement gives sharp pains and sounds of rubbing bones in my neck. Keeping objects in my hands for more than a couple of minutes at a time is starting to become a frustrating task. And now, bulging in my hip and pelvis, which causes a lot of discomfort and pain down the rest of my right side. I shouldn't complain. I am grateful to still be ok throughout everyday. I can still get out of bed, get dressed, clean house, drive to the store, etc....on my own. I am still me and I am happy with that.

Hearing the words, "It says here that you were approved....actually the approval went into the system today", brought a spark to my heart. YEE HA! Relief is on it's way, and within reach! It was a relief to simply know I was approved for help with medical expenses.

Now, after two seemingly long weeks of attempted patience and bugging the doctors office, I finally have a doctors appointment set for Monday! It has been a little while since my last visit to the Orthapedic Doctor, so new MRI's and tests are needed. Admittedly, I am anxiously waiting for this appointment as I know it will bring some relief.

I am nervous about what else we are going to find with these tests. Actually, I think I'm kind of scared. I guess it's the fear of the unknown plaguing my mind, which I am told is normal. I find comfort in prayer and faith, probably more now than before. I feel a peace in my heart when I ask for strength and courage as I move forward with these appointments, tests, and receiving the results. I have faith that My Lord will take care of me and not allow me to endure more than I can handle. Do I still get scared? Ya, I certainly do. But I have learned that when that fear sets in, or I start to feel down, I can turn to prayer for comfort. It really is an amazing and powerful feeling!

So on I go! With the help and support of my family and my friends, I have faith that this fight will become easier. With excessive fatigue and excessive sleep, I sometimes feel like I've simply given up, but I am kept in constant reminder that I am only listening to my body and giving it what it needs at this point. I have faith in my doctors that they will do everything they possibly can to address the issues properly, and help me get back on track to live more productively than I am now. I am aware that some aspects of this whole situation simply will not change, but I am praying for those aspects to be further down the road than what they seem to be today.

I give alot of thanks for the help, support, patience and understanding that surrounds me every day. I couldn't ask, or even want for more!

Thankfulness

It's that time of year again! Time for family, good friends, and awesome food! The smell of freshly baked Pumpkin and Apple pies, Turkey cooking in the oven, and Yams cooking on the stove! A time we all come together to hear children laughing and playing about, to tell our loved ones of our appreciation for them, to show our friends that they are more than friends, they are family! A time to count the many things we have to be thankful for.

Have you stopped and thought about the many things YOU have to be grateful for? The things that have happened that make you stop in your tracks and say Thank you, sometimes over and over again. The things that make you take notice of the friend you have in others, or the love you have for your family. What about those things that remind you that your Lord is always doing his work in your life? Sometimes we do not stop to take notice or to give thanks for the things that prevail in our lives at that particular moment. Now is the time!

This year I have found that I have many things to be grateful for. Things that have not only prevailed this year alone, but also in the years past as well. Many of which I have taken for granted and not realized how grateful I should have been.

This year alone, I have faced many different challenges. Challenges which have made me realize that I can not face my future alone and be able to maintain any kind of courage or sanity. These challenges have put me back in the hands of my Lord. I am Thankful for finding him and for finding the faith that allows me to know whole heartedly that he will take care of me throughout my life and the many trials which I am faced with. I am thankful that My Lord loves me unconditionally and that no matter how far I ever stray from him, he will always be there waiting for me to come back, and that He will always graciously accept me when I do. I am grateful for the love He gives!

Throughout my life, I have put my parents through pure hell. Through it all, they have loved me unconditionally, taken care of me when I couldn't take care of myself, showed me right from wrong, protected me with everything they had, provided for me, gave me the best and the most loving parents one could ever ask for, and gave me an awesome life. I am thankful for the parents I have and for the unconditional love they have always given. I know I do not always show it or tell it, but my heart and soul feels it throughout each and every day, my mind thinks of them throughout each and every day, and my memories remind me of their love through each and every day. They are forever my heart and my soul.
I am thankful for my children. For the unconditional love I found through the birth of each and every one of them. I am thankful for the unconditional love they have given me throughout each and every day of their lives and through the trials that I put them through. I. am thankful that no matter the circumstances surrounding my children and I, they continue to love me and I continue to love them. I am thankful the Good Lord blessed me with these children as I could not imagine my life without them or the love they give.

I am thankful for the man I married and have devoted my life to loving. He brings me joy, peace, comfort, and a new feeling of love. I am blessed with a man who is loving, patient, understanding, and devoted to his family. I could not imagine my life without him or the love he so graciously gives.

I am thankful for all of my family who has been there for me, put up with all my crap, and has loved me and supported me through it all. I am truly blessed with wonderful brother's and sister's, aunt's and uncle's, niece's and nephew's, Grandma's and Grandpa's, and all of my cousins. I am thankful for each and every one of them and the love they have to give!

I am thankful for my friend's who are both near and far, and for my friends who have come and gone. For their ears that listen to all my problems, and their hearts that are so patient as to put up with me throughout the year's, or even for a short time. I am thankful for the joy, the laughter, the love, and the tears that I have shared with each one of them.

Overall, I am thankful for the 37 years of life the Lord has blessed me with! For all the hard lessons learned, for the many joys, for the many people in it, and for the love that I have ben blessed to give and to receive. I am thankful for everything this life has given me, and for everything it has to offer.

Thank you Lord for the life and the Love You have so graciously given me and Blessed me with!

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was
you." - Corrie Ten Boom

FORGIVENESS -The process of concluding resentment, indignation, or
anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or
ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Laying on hot pavement, being held down on the ground, everyone staring
down at me, not realizing at first what was really happening. My
bicycle leaning against the light pole behind my head, crushed. Then,
realizing I had been hit by a semi, I couldn't see a semi anywhere
around me. Did the police have the semi and driver? I didn't see any
police around. Was the driver one who was looking down on me? I seemed
to recognize everyone who was looking down on me, so was it someone I
knew? No, it was none of the above. The driver had fled the scene,
leaving a nine year old child to lay on the hot pavement, alone, dead
or alive.

Did the driver even care? What did the driver have to hide that he
couldn't stop to attempt to help? What was the driver afraid of? Or was
the driver just that cold and calloused?

For 27 years, I have asked these questions over and over again. Noone
has ever come forward to claim the accident, and I doubt anyone ever
will. For many years, I have wished the driver pain and suffering. For
many years after, I wished this person horrifying nightmares, night
after night. I have wished torturing flashbacks of the accident on that
driver. Why? Because of the things I am left to live with. Flashbacks
of the hood of the truck, flashbacks of the tires running over my body.
Years later, fears of my own truck running me over during inspections,
during drop and hooks, during adjustment of trailer tandems, and during
adjustments of my own brakes. And now, the rest of my life with
physically debilitating medical conditions.

Have I forgiven that driver? Of course I haven't. I have forgiven the
accident itself because I know that accidents happen. But, I have never
forgiven the driver for running from the accident so carelessly. Such
an act of immorality, unkind, and inhumane.

I have not yet found a justifiable reason to forgive this act. But, I
am at a point in my life that I realize, it's simply the right thing to
do. Does that make it any easier to do after 27 years? No, it sure
doesn't. But I believe that if I can find it in my heart to forgive the
driver, my healing process will become much easier. It is then that I
will be able to focus on healing instead of focusing on being the
victim. It is only then, that I will be able to release myself from my
prison cell full of memories, visions, replayed feelings and questions,
in which I have lived for 27 years.

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To truly achieve
forgiveness, one must recognize the importance of forgiveness in their
lives at a given time. For me, there has never been a time in which I
felt it necessary to forgive that driver, until now.

With my current medical conditions, my upcoming treatments, and future
conditions which I am facing, every part of that day has come back to
haunt my mind. More visions, more nightmares, and more questions of
what, why, and how.

What did I ever do so bad at the age of nine, to deserve such inhumane
treatment? This challenges my spiritual beliefs in knowing that God
does not punish his children. Why didn't the driver stop to se if I was
dead or alive? "The secret to forgiving everything, is to understand
nothing. " - George Bernard. How could a person live with themselves
knowing a life could have just been taken by their hand and they did
nothing to help? Luke 6:37 - "Judge not and you will not be judged. Do
not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be
forgiven."

So much of my energy is wasted on anger and hatred towards that driver
because of the way I was left for dead in the road that day. If I could
redirect that energy towards healing and acceptance, I could then move
on with the rest of my life with love and forgiveness in my heart,
instead of questions and negativity on my mind.

Forgiveness is a choice we make. It is not mandatory to forgive our
trespassors, it's also not something that we can just say to someone
and truly mean. It takes time to truly forgive someone for their acts
against us. When we choose to forgive someone whole heartedly, we
choose to agree with ourselves to overlook the wrong one has done to us
and move on with our lives. We are willing to give up our resentment,
revenge, and obsessions, allowing God's divine love to flow through us,
dissolving all hurt, bitterness, and sense of injustice.

Our reward for forgiving our trespassors - freedom from our own prison
cell.

Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the act, or that we have to
reconcile with that person. Forgiveness does not depend on one's
apologies or their changing of ways. Forgiveness is simply finding
peace inside oneself that can not be compelled or stopped by another.
The key ingredient to forgiveness, is compassion. But to have
compassion for others, we must have compassion for ourselves. We must
care.

As for me, I am sure I will forgive the driver, in time. I am trying to
learn to forgive one day at a time, no matter how difficult the task.
Every day I pray for the capability to do so, and if I have to forgive
over and over again, the Lord's work with my heart will eventually be
complete. It is then that the driver will be forgiven and I will
continue to move on. My best foot is forward in the attempt to achieve
this goal.

"Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was
you." - Corrie Ten Boom

Don't tell me

Don't tell me it will be ok
that's not what I need to hear,
tell me of your love for me
that you'll always hold me near.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when you can't walk in my shoes,
just understand the fear of things
and that it's so brand new.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when things get so much closer,
just hold me when I cry at night
reassure me your love's not over.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when you don't know how I feel,
just understand that something's wrong
and for me the pain is real.

Don't tell me it will be ok
that one day I won't walk,
just tell me that you understand
and that you're always here to talk.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when I'm feeling overwhelmed,
remind me of my many blessings
and that I do not live in hell.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when I feel that all is gone,
sit next to me and pray with me
no matter how short or long.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when nothing good seems near,
just help me build my faith and strength
remind me God is here.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when I only want to cry,
remind me of your love for me
and hold me forever tight.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when this you do not know,
let me deal in my own true way
cause soon my pain will go.

I only ask for your love and strength
to help me through this life,
but don't tell me it will be ok
because I feel that is a lie.

Don't tell me it will be ok
when my pain is so very real,
just tell me of your love for me
and that you will help me heal.

S.R.W.