"Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was
you." - Corrie Ten Boom
FORGIVENESS -The process of concluding resentment, indignation, or
anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or
ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.
Laying on hot pavement, being held down on the ground, everyone staring
down at me, not realizing at first what was really happening. My
bicycle leaning against the light pole behind my head, crushed. Then,
realizing I had been hit by a semi, I couldn't see a semi anywhere
around me. Did the police have the semi and driver? I didn't see any
police around. Was the driver one who was looking down on me? I seemed
to recognize everyone who was looking down on me, so was it someone I
knew? No, it was none of the above. The driver had fled the scene,
leaving a nine year old child to lay on the hot pavement, alone, dead
or alive.
Did the driver even care? What did the driver have to hide that he
couldn't stop to attempt to help? What was the driver afraid of? Or was
the driver just that cold and calloused?
For 27 years, I have asked these questions over and over again. Noone
has ever come forward to claim the accident, and I doubt anyone ever
will. For many years, I have wished the driver pain and suffering. For
many years after, I wished this person horrifying nightmares, night
after night. I have wished torturing flashbacks of the accident on that
driver. Why? Because of the things I am left to live with. Flashbacks
of the hood of the truck, flashbacks of the tires running over my body.
Years later, fears of my own truck running me over during inspections,
during drop and hooks, during adjustment of trailer tandems, and during
adjustments of my own brakes. And now, the rest of my life with
physically debilitating medical conditions.
Have I forgiven that driver? Of course I haven't. I have forgiven the
accident itself because I know that accidents happen. But, I have never
forgiven the driver for running from the accident so carelessly. Such
an act of immorality, unkind, and inhumane.
I have not yet found a justifiable reason to forgive this act. But, I
am at a point in my life that I realize, it's simply the right thing to
do. Does that make it any easier to do after 27 years? No, it sure
doesn't. But I believe that if I can find it in my heart to forgive the
driver, my healing process will become much easier. It is then that I
will be able to focus on healing instead of focusing on being the
victim. It is only then, that I will be able to release myself from my
prison cell full of memories, visions, replayed feelings and questions,
in which I have lived for 27 years.
Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To truly achieve
forgiveness, one must recognize the importance of forgiveness in their
lives at a given time. For me, there has never been a time in which I
felt it necessary to forgive that driver, until now.
With my current medical conditions, my upcoming treatments, and future
conditions which I am facing, every part of that day has come back to
haunt my mind. More visions, more nightmares, and more questions of
what, why, and how.
What did I ever do so bad at the age of nine, to deserve such inhumane
treatment? This challenges my spiritual beliefs in knowing that God
does not punish his children. Why didn't the driver stop to se if I was
dead or alive? "The secret to forgiving everything, is to understand
nothing. " - George Bernard. How could a person live with themselves
knowing a life could have just been taken by their hand and they did
nothing to help? Luke 6:37 - "Judge not and you will not be judged. Do
not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be
forgiven."
So much of my energy is wasted on anger and hatred towards that driver
because of the way I was left for dead in the road that day. If I could
redirect that energy towards healing and acceptance, I could then move
on with the rest of my life with love and forgiveness in my heart,
instead of questions and negativity on my mind.
Forgiveness is a choice we make. It is not mandatory to forgive our
trespassors, it's also not something that we can just say to someone
and truly mean. It takes time to truly forgive someone for their acts
against us. When we choose to forgive someone whole heartedly, we
choose to agree with ourselves to overlook the wrong one has done to us
and move on with our lives. We are willing to give up our resentment,
revenge, and obsessions, allowing God's divine love to flow through us,
dissolving all hurt, bitterness, and sense of injustice.
Our reward for forgiving our trespassors - freedom from our own prison
cell.
Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the act, or that we have to
reconcile with that person. Forgiveness does not depend on one's
apologies or their changing of ways. Forgiveness is simply finding
peace inside oneself that can not be compelled or stopped by another.
The key ingredient to forgiveness, is compassion. But to have
compassion for others, we must have compassion for ourselves. We must
care.
As for me, I am sure I will forgive the driver, in time. I am trying to
learn to forgive one day at a time, no matter how difficult the task.
Every day I pray for the capability to do so, and if I have to forgive
over and over again, the Lord's work with my heart will eventually be
complete. It is then that the driver will be forgiven and I will
continue to move on. My best foot is forward in the attempt to achieve
this goal.
"Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was
you." - Corrie Ten Boom
